Let’s get one thing straight: I am no political activist. In fact, I can’t even call myself a Democratic or Republican, since I’ve voted both sides of the ticket in years past. But this election is different and I find myself faced with an unprecedented situation: there will be no one for whom I can, in good conscious, cast my ballot. So what’s a girl to do?
Vote Stimpy for President, regardless of the fact that he's my dog.
But before I enumerate his exemplar qualifications (and they are many) a brief history:
Born to a single working mother and a pit bull absentee father, Stimpy’s outlook was understandably bleak. At the time, pit bulls were frequently in the news—never good—and the breed filled dog shelters everywhere to overflowing. But despite his background, Stimpy refused to let his pedigree define him and chose instead to believe in the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson:
The only [dog] you are destined to become is the [dog] you decide to be.
Stimpy decided he would become the best dog in the world and that’s exactly what he's done, which is why he’s my choice for President.
As evidence, I submit the following:
Let’s be honest, good looks never hurt anyone and in Stimpy’s case, he’s got them in spades. But he doesn’t let that go to his head and it’s clear from his gaze this dog is alert to the perils of vanity.
Avoids Empty Rhetoric
When Stimpy decides to speak, it’s because there’s a good reason. To warn of danger, for example, or to share his thoughts on going for a walk. On rare occasions he’ll discuss his feelings about being left home alone for long periods, but he never speaks simply to hear the sound of his own voice—he’s not that kind of dog.
Capable of Great Courage
While it’s true Stimpy has never served in the Armed Forces, he has nevertheless demonstrated great courage, especially in the face of larger/stronger opponents. He does not shy away from danger, and if trouble comes for him he will face it down, make no mistake, but he never seeks it out.
Natural Born Leader
Stimpy’s does not hesitate to blaze a new trail when necessary, but he is also open to ideas and suggestions. He knows when to delegate and when to take charge, when to encourage and when to rebuke.
Cautious When Forming Alliances
Stimpy chooses his allies carefully and bases those decisions on actions, not words. What's more, he is profoundly patient in these situations, allowing both the time and space for one to exhibit their true colors before forming a final opinion..
Loyal, If You Pass The Test
If Stimpy observes one’s intentions are good, he will reciprocate in kind, remaining loyal until the end.
Colorblind (Unless You’re Violet, Blue, or Chartreuse)
Stimpy was born serene. He is neither easily provoked, nor prone to overreaction, and his first inclination is to watch and observe before taking action—an invaluable trait for someone with his or her paw on a nuclear button.
Impervious to Lobbyists, Campaign Contributions, and Bribes
As previously stated, Stimpy pays no mind to what people say, but rather watches closely what they do—which immediately renders all lobbyists irrelevant. As for campaign contributions and bribes, Stimpy has no need for either, having been endowed by adoption with enough dog biscuits to last three lifetimes.
Last but not least, Stimpy has proven himself trustworthy time and again. He does not eat the chickens, even when they stop to peck at the dirt by his feet, nor does he chew the shoes that are perpetually lying around the house. Stimpy has never once lied, cheated, exaggerated, deleted emails, nor declared bankruptcy, and when he brings up the TV remote (as he does every night, for personal reasons) he leaves no teeth marks. Ever.